I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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