Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you told grandpa to call you daddy
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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