dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
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