Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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