you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
