Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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