i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
