you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize