I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
