I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
