I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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