true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
