Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
