wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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