Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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