I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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