just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
