so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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