why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
