Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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