Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
