My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
