The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
