It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
