You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
