All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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