dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
