yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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