The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
