Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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