after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
