Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
