All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
