all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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