I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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