All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
