The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
