she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
