my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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