i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
