do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
