I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
