I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
