you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
