my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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