Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
