I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize