Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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