he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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