I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize