Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
