Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
