You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
