I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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