Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
