'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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