it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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