so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
