if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I want her autograph on my taint
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize