My first STD was from a foam party
there's paper in my vomit.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
