Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
