I will die if light touches me.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
