If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
